This made me cry

I always thought I would want to adopt. My mom was adopted, my brother was adopted. I liked the idea of it. And i don’t like the idea of stretch marks or contractions. But when I was diagnosed with diabetes, one of the things I thought about was the huge component of the genetic predisposition to diabetes, as well as the fact that if I ever did get pregnant I would be a high-risk pregnancy and my baby would be prone to all sorts of complications. I had always viewed child-bearing as a far-off notion, but when I felt like the option may be taken away from me I started to reconsider how I felt about things. Now that I am in a serious relationship, I view the idea of having children a lot differently. I like the idea of combining yourself and your partner into a testament of that love, a baby. Yeah, maybe that’s cheesy…but its true.

Today, I was really enjoying blogging and watching Youtube videos and I cam across the one below. And I literally became hysterical. When I showed it to Nick, he asked, “Why are you crying? this stuff is saving his life” of the little boy you will see in the video below. I, in between giant sobs managed to get out, “Because I can’t have babies!” Watching this made me think of the guilt I would feel if I had a child with Type 1 diabetes. It reminded me of how my mom cried when I was in the hospital, feeling guilty that it came from her side of the family. And its not like I was mad at her, I was glad to be alive. But watching this video made me relate to that guilt. I don’t want a baby right now, or even any time soon. But I really think I want my own baby someday. And now all that is resounding in my head is how selfish that is. I see so many other diabetes blogs with successful diabetic parents and their stories. I know that its a completely individual decision and that most of their kids won’t have diabetes. I know that healthy parents have kids with genetic illnesses all the time. But if I know in advance the likelihood of it happening…am I being selfish? Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t think it is selfish when other people have children if they are diabetic. However, for myself I can’t seem to get past this feeling. I guess I am looking for feedback. If you have diabetes, how do you feel about having children?

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lovehatediabetes
    Mar 03, 2012 @ 02:38:48

    OK! Thanks a lot, I balled my eyes out too. What a little cutie he is. I feel horrible knowing that he may never know life without diabetes, but I look at it differently than you. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a big pregnant belly with a teenie tiny baby in me. I’ve dreamed of the day I am finally ready to have kids. When I first started my blog, I came across a woman named Tristan who was very open. I e-mailed her and asked her about her pregnancies with diabetes. I would love to share that with you if you’d like. I don’t think she would mind. She has three beautiful kids and neither of them have diabetes.
    Seeing that video is very heart wrenching, but I look at it as hey you know what, he’s alive and doing well despite the disease. It’s an understatement to say he’s a super cute kid. He looks very happy. Even though he may live with this the rest of his life, he is still a happy and “normal” little boy. He’s strong enough to live with it.
    I really liked this post. It made me think about having babies, a yes or a no. I think it’s a yes. If it’s something you want – go for it. If it accidentally happens – embrace it. What is meant to be is meant to be.

    Reply

    • divabetic913
      Mar 03, 2012 @ 02:47:43

      Nick and I just came back from date night and on the way back to the car I saw a family with two really cute kids. And i just said, “Someday I am going to have my own baby.” Hopefully by the time that they would be in their teens treatment will be so streamlined we will be on pills or maybe even cured. But yea, I would love to see the e-mails. I think you gave a shout out to her on your blog right? Perhaps I will follow her. You should check out sixuntilme.com. I read it the whole time I was in the hospital and its written by a diabetic mom. She talks about her pregnancy and being a mom with diabetes in general. I really like her posts, they are very thorough. That’s actually how I decided to start a blog in the first place.

      Reply

  2. The Piquant Storyteller
    Mar 03, 2012 @ 05:29:59

    Hi, I’m Tristan. First of all, I love your blog name. Divabetic! That’s awesome. I’m not quite sure what to do with this new celebrity status of mine 😉 Just kidding.

    I was 9, almost 10, when I was diagnosed. People would hear I was diabetic and automatically assume I couldn’t have kids. That bothered me a lot. I was afraid I couldn’t and when I realized I could I did it without looking back. As Leah says, it’s completely up to you. I hope she forwarded my lengthy email to you.

    The video is heartwrenching but don’t get caught up in the glass being half empty. Everyone has something, be it physical or mental. The trick is to make that “weakness” a source of strength.

    Just the other day my 6 year old was saying that every time he started running at school he would tell himself he better not because he has asthma. Oh we had quite the discussion/lecture over that! My little guy has allergy induced asthma that has only caused him to wheeze twice in his life – once at age 2 when he was diagnosed and once recently. I had to explain to him that just for that day I didn’t want him running or participating in PE because I didn’t know if he would need the short acting inhaler while he was at school. That whole part of the story isn’t important. What’s important is we talked about how he may have issues with asthma but it doesn’t stop him from living life. It’s not an excuse. We talked about how I have diabetes but it doesn’t stop me from doing anything and I never use it as an excuse.

    My kids know I test my blood sugar often. They know I wear a pump that freaks me out to change the site myself. Both my boys have helped me change my site when my husband wasn’t home and I couldn’t do it. They know I get to eat snacks before meals if I’m low and they try to tell me they’re low to get extra fruit snacks! But beyond that they see me as a regular mom. In the grand scheme of things I don’t do anything different from any other mom they know.

    Person first, “disability” second. Just my passionate opinion.

    Reply

    • divabetic913
      Mar 03, 2012 @ 05:46:09

      Thank you so much for your comment! This has been a subject that I have really struggled with, but I always assumed that I would have children anyway. Just watching that video really hit me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. My boyfriend has expressed to me his concerns about complications during pregnancy which he feels outweigh the benefits of natural childbirth, which is actually something that doesn’t bother me at all! I have read so many blogs about diabetic mommies who kept really tight control during pregnancy and had virtually no problems! I don’t have any hesitations about my own health really…just the health of my kids. But I suppose its not a reason not to try…

      Also I just wanted to say, since you wear a pump…would you be open to filling out a survey I created? I am graduating from college in May with a degree in Women’s Studies at the University of Florida. And after my diagnosis I was inspired to write my honors thesis about the effects of insulin pump usage on female self-esteem and body image. I am currently looking for participants and it would be great if you were interested! Please let me know, and thank you so much for your time and kind words.
      I actually checked out your blog tonight and you have a beautiful family. 🙂

      Reply

      • The Piquant Storyteller
        Mar 03, 2012 @ 06:12:08

        Thanks. My kids look just like their dad so . . . beautiful was the only choice!

        I would love to fill out a survey. Self-esteem and body image. Very interesting. Yep, sign me up.

      • divabetic913
        Mar 03, 2012 @ 16:17:47

        Thank you! That’s awesome and so helpful. All I need is an e-mail address where I can send you the survey. Additionally, you would either need to fax, mail, or e-mail me a .pdf with your signature on the informed consent document…its all just protocol for university research. You can e-mail me at cara913@ufl.edu. The whole survey will take probably between 30 min to an hour depending on how in-depth you answer the questions. Thanks again!

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